


All Our Disregarded Madness

by Zoi no miko (zoi_no_miko)



Series: The Time Traveller who Bites the Sun [3]
Category: Biting the Sun - Tanith Lee, Dark City (1998)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Time Travel, Body Image, Explicit Sexual Content, Future Fic, Gender or Sex Swap, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Science Fiction, Slang, Temporary Character Death, Utopia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 05:05:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4733777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zoi_no_miko/pseuds/Zoi%20no%20miko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Discovering the remnants of a strange alien technology, Daniel Schreber builds a time machine to undo the mistakes of the past. But in doing so he discovers the hard way that time and fate don't like to be tampered with... and has a far greater impact on the structure of the future than he could have ever anticipated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When I made my last jump into the future, I knew that I was either going to succeed or die, and that the second was far more likely than the first.

After my fifth failed attempt to save my brother's life, I had to pull away from my mission, to quiet my mind and regroup. It was becoming more and more apparent that I was not going to succeed in saving him with nothing but my own resources. So I calculated carefully and sent myself a hundred and ten years into the future.

A year spent in the early 21st century allowed me to gain the background I needed to pinpoint the longitude and latitude of the remains of the wreck, and the most likely location where it had began to sink. But I could hardly take the massive search and rescue operation I'd need back in time with me... at least, not from the 21st century.

But surely, at some point in the future, mankind would develop what I needed. So, slowly and carefully, I started to plan. 

I'd discovered that in the 21st century my estate holdings and financial resources were already vast enough to ensure that my family's home would remain paid for and maintained for many centuries to come. That was the most important thing - ensuring that I would always have a safe place to transport my ship to, no matter how the landscape of humanity changed. I knew immediately that it must be a result of my actions in the past. I discovered that my estates were administered by a financial agency who had been operating successfully since a little before my birth, and when I arrived to visit them found myself faced with a letter written by my future self, instructing them to provide full access and details of my accounts and communications to a man arriving on that exact date, matching my description.

After that I simply had to follow my own breadcrumbs, going back to my native time to hire them. The items I could not action directly at that time were easy enough to effect by writing the letters to the agency that I'd already read in the future, leaving them with legal counsel with express instruction on what dates to deliver them. They used my knowledge of the past and future to create my vast estate - which bonds to purchase, which antiques could be sold for the greatest value. Which stocks to invest in and when to sell. 

The critical part of my mind mulled over the facts, examining and questioning. How had I first known of the plan to tell myself? It was all rather cyclical, paradoxical. But after my fifth attempt to prevent my brother from embarking on his doomed voyage a thought surfaced in my mind that was becoming increasingly harder to ignore:

Everything that had ever happened or was to happen was preordained, and I was simply following my set path. Bound by the red thread of fate to the choices I made, agency was merely an illusion. It had been a terrible, sobering thought, and I'd had to drink myself to sleep that night.

I'd almost give up at that point before optimism had wormed its way back into my psyche. There must still be hope of saving Ben and completing my mission. Whether or not my future was preordained wasn't important as long as he was safe. If I could somehow determine the success or failure of my venture then I could gain the strength to continue my efforts.

So I'd calculated a probability curve based on historical progress, and economic and technological data, of my house continuing to stand as time went on, with the financial empire I'd built for it. Then I'd chosen the point in time as far in the future as was logically safe to travel to, downed a handful of anti-nausea pills to combat the unfortunate side-effects of time travel that I'd previously encountered, and jumped centuries into the future, determined to confirm my fate or end my misery.

What I'd found had been nothing like what I'd expected.

I'd stepped out into this time to be greeted by two brightly-coloured angels of beauty: John, his pale, pearlescent skin shimmering in the dim light from the small machine that hovered above us, green eyes supernaturally bright and set in features that looked like they'd been chiseled from marble like a Renaissance statue. The dark-skinned girl that stood beside him was just as perfect, but it had always been men that had drawn my attention, my adoration and desire, and in that moment I couldn't imagine a more perfect specimen than the one who stood in front of me. Even when I learned of impermanent nature of appearance in their society it only impressed me more, that John would chose to create himself as such a perfectly handsome being.

That John had immediately decided to help me without being asked and even threw himself into harms way to protect me had completely astonished me. And despite every rational part of my brain telling me that it was a bad idea, I couldn't help but begin to feel the most beautiful anguish of uncertain adoration for him.

The rational part of my mind proved easy enough to placate. John was clearly the ringleader of his group of friends, I immediately and easily identified that fact as I studied his circle. He embodied the perfect balance of both extroverted idealism and creativity, and genuine care and empathy that drew people to him and made them follow him on any adventure he set off on. It also allowed him the innate ability to subconsciously surround himself only with people as good-hearted and deserving of his love as he himself was. 

Every trip I'd made into the past or future had required me to use my skills at reading and subtly manipulating people to integrate myself into that time. This future was no different. As long as John was on my side I would have all the help and resources I would ever need in this time.

It was too easy to tell myself that I was answering his interest and desire because it was the most logical course of action, the best way to ensure my aims. Even when he placed himself in a female body I still conceded to her conquest, losing myself to carnal sensation and the pleasure of her desire for me.

Then I lay in bed with her, awake as she slept, consumed with guilt.

"What are your intentions towards John?" Larry - male now and devastatingly handsome though no less strange to me with his scarlet skin and coal black hair - asked as I left John alone in the sleeping room that night.

I looked back towards the door and felt my heart twist with longing. "I believe he -she- may be the most good-hearted person I have ever encountered," I said slowly, then looked up at him. "I... I don't know what my intentions are."

Larry had drawn himself up tall, stern. "If you hurt him you'll have to answer to me."

The sentiment was not unexpected. I smiled despite myself. "You love him, don't you?"

Larry sighed, then crossed the room to sink down onto one of the couches. I followed, perching beside him as he started to speak.

"I suppose I love him more than anyone in all the domes," he said finally, staring down at his lap. "It's why he can always talk me into marrying him, no matter what either of us looks like or is doing. When we were just out of holo school I thought I was completely zaradann for him, that we'd marry for vreks and become makers and then become Older People together. But that just isn't done, not here. So we had marriages to other people and I fell in love for real, and when my heart broke he put me back together again and gave me the courage to love again." 

Larry gave a soft laugh, finally looking up at me. "It's ever so unfashionable, to fall in love. But I can't stop myself. That delirious rush of emotion and desire... it's the best part about living to me, and despite how it hurts when it ends I can't stop looking for it, hoping to find that person who won't want it to end either. But I realized that it wasn't how I felt about John. He can never be my great love... but he's my rock, and I won't let anyone hurt him, ooma. Not even someone as precious as you."

"I understand," I'd said softly, and had finally fallen asleep that night convincing myself that I couldn't allow myself to use him, and had to end things between us. I told myself that I felt nothing, and held to that conviction until I watched his female body die in my arms and felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

"Marry him," Larry said softly as we stood outside Limbo, my clothes soaked through with his blood. "I can see how much you care for him. Why are you holding back?"

"I don't know how long I can stay here," I admitted, feeling my heart twist painfully. "I don't want to hurt him when I leave."

"Oh, ooma." Larry shook his head, smiling, and wrapped an arm around my shoulders to guide me towards the moving pathways that lead away from Limbo. "You don't understand, do you? The emptiness of never having loved is far worse than the pain of having loved and lost. Come on. Let's get you some groshing new silks and you can sweep that beautiful man off his feet."

Losing myself to the whirlwind of passion I felt for a John was, I'm ashamed to say, far too easy. I felt more alive and complete in his love than I'd felt since I'd lost my brother. Perhaps more than I'd ever felt. Even after spending a full three days with him engaged in carnal pleasure - sex that was more incredible, more pleasureable than I'd ever thought possible from my meager experience - I still wanted more. And John murmured sweet words of love in my ears that I returned with complete truthfulness, and all the time did my best to ignore the knowledge that I'd built this love on a foundation of deceit.

But the more John helped me, the farther our plan progressed and the closer we came to going back to rescue my brother, the worse I felt about it. I knew I had to tell him the truth, and that it would likely ruin us. How could it not? So I savored every moment with him, relished in every kiss, and when we made love I gave myself over to him completely and tried to lose himself in him, ingrain my love for him in so deeply in my memory that I could never forget it.

Then suddenly all our preparations were complete, and I found myself facing the culmination of all my work with dread and uncertainty.

"Let's have love again before we change bodies," John murmured in my ear as we walked into his house at the end of the day. "I'm going to so miss this derisann body of yours, ooma-kasma."

As was I, I realized, and was all too happy to pull him into my arms. I couldn't ignore the terrible sense of finality that pulled at my heart, so I gave everything to our lovemaking that night, losing myself to the pleasure of his body and begging him to take me again and again. I reveled in every moment of it, but when he finally fell asleep I quietly slipped from his arms, then sat alone on the deck of his pool and cried for how foolish I'd been.

The only thing worse than the knowledge of what I'd done was the thought of confronting him with it, of seeing him hurt and angry.

But... maybe it didn't have to be that way.

Both matter displacers had already been successfully converted, power sources charged, and I'd used our bii's original scans of the limbo plane John had summoned that fateful day to program them appropriately. One was set up in the same sea cave I'd found the machine in originally, which we'd located in the desert several miles from the dome of Four BII after an extensive search. The desert sands had almost claimed it entirely, but we'd been able to excavate it enough to meet our needs. The second displacer was bundled carefully into a package in the rear of the cave, ready to be moved into the Limbo plane once we'd commandeered it, to go back to my time.

Everything was already prepared for us to put our plans into motion on the morrow. 

Maybe I could do it without John.

Dressing silently, I left his house and took the moving walkways to Limbo. If my mission was successful then I could choose to tell him afterwards, to beg his forgiveness. If it wasn't... well, that couldn't be helped. Despite how far forward in time I'd come, I'd still found no conclusive proof of my success or failure, but now I knew why. This was my path, now, my last course of action. I would write my fate as I lived it, without any guidance from past or future me.

After a short period of waiting I was transferred from my Jang body into a limbo tub, and gave them the scans from my bii of my original body when asked.

"That's a very non-Jang body," the Q-R said as he stood at the edge of the tank, so I expressed that I merely wanted to have the 'essential experience' of being ordinary, and he was placated.

The sense of familiarity I felt stepping into that body - back into my body, or the closest thing to it - helped calm the turmoil of emotions I felt about John. I dressed in the smart, buff coloured suit I'd requested, reclaiming my pocketwatch from my bii and tucking it back into the inside breast pocket of my vest, the weight familiar and reassuring over my heart. Then I left limbo, and calmly and confidently rounded the building to where the limbo planes landed.

There were two planes sitting empty at the end of the platform, the area quiet in the early morning darkness of the day. I approached one of them carefully, weighing my options. Could I pilot it? I'd piloted their bird planes before, found them quite straight forward. Would the limbo planes be much different? I peered into the darkness of the craft, trying to make out the controls. Perhaps I could just slip inside unnoticed, take the ship out to the desert and be done with it.....

"I hope you're not planning on going anywhere without me."

My heart lept into my throat at the sound of my lover's voice, and I whirled. John stood before me, changed, though still John - his features still bore the same sculpted beauty I had kissed a thousand times. But the preternatural shimmer was gone from his skin, and his luminous green eyes were now completely human, though no less striking. He wore a shirt and slacks similar to mine but in shades of gray and green, a long coat over top of them, the design obviously gleaned from what he'd seen me wear on my arrival. Instead of disappointment, I felt a rush of relief at being caught, despite knowing now that I'd have to tell him the truth.

I stepped away from the open bay door of the limbo plane and crossed the courtyard to where he stood, wrapping my arms up around his neck and burying my face in his neck. ".... how did you know?"

John's fingers smoothed through my hair, and I felt the warmth of his breath sigh against my skin. "You've been more and more distracted since we've come back from Four BEE," he said softly. "At first I worried that it was me, but... you're so tender when we have love, my ooma. So loving and so sad. It didn't take me long to realize that it was because you planned to leave me behind." He pulled back to look down at me, cupping my cheek with one hand, misery abject in his expression. "Don't. I know you don't want to risk causing trouble for me, but leaving me behind...."

"It's not just that," I managed, unable to meet his gaze. "Darling, I... I've done a terrible thing, and I'm not sure you can forgive me for it. I'm not sure I can forgive myself, I - "

"Shh...." John pressed a soft kiss to my forehead, and despite the reassuring strength of his embrace I couldn't let myself relax. Still, I let him tug me out of the courtyard and back towards the walkways. "Come home with me, ooma-kasma. We can talk there."

"I lied," I heard myself whisper as we crossed the threshold of his home, and I heard him sigh softly.

"About what, my ooma?"

"All of this." I pulled away from his embrace, needing to put space between us, wishing it could clear my head and my heart of the turmoil that clouded them both. "Not my brother, not my mission. But here... us...."

I drew a deep breath and forced myself to turn and face him. "People are my speciality, I told you that. I spent years - vreks and verks - learning how to understand people - how different personalities are motivated, how people react, how to understand an individual and in consequence how to manipulate them. I knew immediately that the group looked to you. Your idealism and kind heartedness make you an incredibly inspiring leader, especially in this time, when so little in the world is truly new and exciting. I knew if I could inspire you, engage your emotions, that your entire circle would follow and do anything I needed them to. So I went to you when you wanted me, I gave you everything you desired. I pushed you to come up with your plan about the limbo planes even though I'd realized almost instantly that they were the answer to my problem. Because I knew that if I challenged you that you would create the plan, and inspire the others to follow, to join the grand adventure you all craved so badly."

I'd fully expected - feared - John would become immediately angry at my revelation, but instead he just watched me, eyes sad, silent as he took it all in. Finally he shook his head. "I don't believe you."

I gave a choked, incredulous laugh. "Why? Do you think I'm lying now to get you not to come with me? You're not stupid."

"It's a far less stupid explanation than you telling the truth," he replied, moving slowly to stand in front of me. "If you indeed have been using me, why stop now? You still need our help to complete your plans, ooma. Tell me when we've finished, when you've got what you needed and have no use for me. Tell me then and you free yourself from these commitments you've made. Or disappear back into the past with your brother and you won't have to deal with any of the consequences you'll leave behind."

I shook my head, staring at the ground, heart aching. "I'm not lying."

"Then I'll offer another explanation," he said softly, his fingers stroking up into my hair, and I couldn't resist him as he pulled me against him, nestling my face against his chest. "Your truth is just the beginning of things. You always intended things to happen as they did, but the lie became real for you. That first day we married... I can't believe that everything I've loved in you was just pretending. I won't believe it, it's not possible. So you're telling me now because you love me and can't bear to keep it between us. Or you're lying because you want to protect me. Either way, you care for me. That isn't a lie. That's all that matters to me."

I felt a shuddering sob well up, wracking my shoulders, and John simply held me tighter, hands smoothing slow and soothing over my hair and down my back.

"Don't cry, ooma," he murmured, nuzzling my hair. "Please don't cry. I love you."

His words seemed completely absurd. "Why?"

He sighed, fingers curling through my hair. "I first wanted you because you were dazzling and new and exciting. I wanted your adventure as much as you needed me to want it. But then I experienced what it felt like to make you smile, to see hope in your eyes. To see the wonder you felt when I showed you our world or kissed you or when we had love. And every morning when I wake up with you I feel this beautiful sense of purpose that's been missing in my life for so long, ooma." He pulled back to look down at me, green eyes bright. "Please... don't take that away from me."

I blinked back tears. "But what happens with the adventure's over?"

John's fingers gently brushed a tear from my cheek, and he smiled, small and trembling. "It won't be, not unless you end it. Just let me be with you, let me see you smile. That's all I want, ooma-kasma."

"You have all that," I managed to breathe, kissing him again and again. "You're the first person who's made me feel anything but loss since Ben died. I want all of that with you."

"Then it doesn't matter how we started," John said again, smiling against my lips. "Trust me, ooma. And when we have your brother here we'll show him everything together. Won't we?"

I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat and nodded, then kissed him again.

~~~

 

Despite John's forgiveness, I couldn't get past that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, that nervousness that grew more intense the closer we got to going back. I took an anti-nausea pill on our way out to the cave, chewing it nervously, though it didn't help. I watched Larry carefully guide the bird plane into the mouth of the cave past the pillars of the matter displacer and set it down on the sandy bottom. 

Larry had insisted on coming back in time with us, and had hit up Limbo to get a new body the day before. With a normal skin tone he was surprisingly striking, with light blue eyes and a generous mouth. He'd kept the red I was familiar with in a messy shock of scarlet hair and a smattering of freckles across his nose. He was rather too tall to easily fit into my time if we got stuck there for a while, and his hair was rather too red, but it wouldn't matter. Truthfully I was glad he was coming; Larry had displayed a mechanical aptitude far greater than any other of the crew, and having ridden in the Limbo plane with me before he was confident he'd be able to handle flying it.

He unwrapped the sheet that was keeping the sand off the bundled matter-displacer, programming his bii and my own to haul it after us into the plane when it arrived.

Then we waited.

It was hot in the cave, hot enough that John had slipped out of his coat and rolled his shirt sleeves up to his elbows, but I kept mine on. We'd be gone again soon. I checked and double-checked the new chronometer I'd created and programmed to activate the matter-displacer - should I call it a time-displacer? - in the cave, verifying my calculations for the hundredth time against the plas-sheet I'd printed with the base calculations, then tucked both it and the newer schematic into a pocket on the second device. Then I leaned out of the front of the cave, scanning as much of the bright desert sky in the direction of the dome, straining my ears for the sound of a plane. The air felt thin, and despite knowing that the oxygen pills I'd taken would keep my bloodstream appropriately oxygenated it was hard not to breath more deeply.

John caught my arm just as the world started to spin, tugging me back into the cave. "It's all right, ooma. Just breath slow. Don't think about the time."

"It's been too long," I said, panic quickly rising. "What if something went wrong, what if - "

As if on queue, the communication light on John's bii turned on, and when John motioned the channel open Leon's figure appeared.

"Frank and May took the plane, but they didn't make it past the dome airlocks," he said, voice tight with worry. "I'm so sorry, oomas."

I felt my stomach drop to the ground, but shook my head and forced a smile. "It's all right - " I started, but Leon continued.

"I don't know how long you'll have until the committee figures out what's going on, you know that they'll be questioning them intensely for trying to steal a limbo plane. I think you'd better move to Plan B."

"Of course. We'll see you when we get back, then." John waved off the communication, looking at Larry. "You ready for this?"

"As I'll ever be."

"Plan B?" I stared at both of them. "What's Plan B? When did we come up with a Plan B?"

John's smile seemed a little sad as he held a hand out to me, drawing me back deeper into the cave, past the ship, his bii bobbing along behind us. "Listen, ooma. We thought this might happen. We hoped Frank could slip out an airlock behind another plane, but... things are monitored pretty tightly. But we didn't want to worry you with it unless it actually happened... unless it actually came to this."

I shook my head. "Came to what? I don't understand."

John drew me close wordlessly, holding me tight for a long moment without saying anything, then claiming my mouth for a lingering kiss. "My ooma-kasma.... I'm afraid I'm going to have to break my promise to you."

Immediately I understood with a terrible clarity what he meant to do. I yanked back from him. "No. No, no - you're not - we'll figure something out - "

"We can't risk that," John replied, taking the multi-tool from his bii. "You know this is the best way. Anyway, ooma, I'm superfluous at this point. Larry's the one who knows how to capture the plane and fly it. I'll just sit pretty in the tank until we get home and then come out handsome again with your brother."

I could feel my eyes burn at the prospect, and I shook my head, unable to keep my voice from trembling. "No. No, I need you with me. If something happens - "

"Ooma." John reached out to cup my cheek gently, brushing a tear from my cheek. "I trust you. Both of you, more than anyone else in the domes. I know you'll get us back. So please let me do this for you. Okay?"

I closed my eyes, unable to speak past the rock in my throat, turning my face to kiss his palm. Finally I managed to nod.

"Good," he whispered, and stepped back, clearing his throat as he unsheathed the molecule knife. "Keep back, ooma. Don't get your clothes dirty this time, you need to travel."

"Fuck my clothes," I replied, striding over to the bundled matter displacer and throwing my jacket over it, then starting to roll up my sleeves.

John had already sank to the floor of the cave, breath in a shuddering gasp as the knife cut into his flesh, blood spurting from the deep slice with each throb of his heart. Larry took the knife from him, then took his uninjured hand, holding John's gaze as he sliced up the length of his other forearm for him. "You know there's less painful ways to do this, ooma."

John managed a smile, already going pale, swaying. "... feels the most real," he murmured, and I sank down beside him, pulling his upper body into my arms and letting him sag against me as his blood soaked into the sand.

"I love you always," I murmured in his ear, trying to quell my rising panic, to remind myself that this was only temporary. "My heart is yours no matter what happens. I promise."

"... my love," he managed, then I felt his body grow limp in my arms as unconsciousness took him.

"Ooma." Larry strode back from the mouth of the cave. I could hear a faint buzzing in the distance. "We only have a few splits. Get ready. Keep the Q-R's attention on you. I'll handle the rest."

"In a minute." I took up the molecule knife from where Larry had dropped it on the sand, pressing a kiss to John's hair before carefully cutting off a lock. I sandwiched it under the cover of my pocketwatch next to Ben's picture before standing, tucking it away. "All right."

Larry's eyebrows knit together, and he shook his head. "What are you doing?"

I pressed my lips together, crossing to pull my jacket back on. "I just need to keep part of him with me."

"But that body isn't him - "

"It's the closest thing I have, alright?" I forced myself to draw a slow breath. "I'm sorry. But I love him. I know you understand how that feels."

He nodded, taking the molecule knife from me and closing the blade, tucking it in his pocket. "He'll be back before you know it."

The minutes that followed were a blur - my heart thundering against my eardrums, adrenaline nearly overwhelming me. I didn't have to fake my distress to the as the limbo plane swooped in with calculated preciseness to land inside the mouth of the cave, the Q-R inside hurrying out to capture John with an anti-grav unit. The planes could easily gather people without landing unless they couldn't directly get to them, as we'd discovered, and as the Q-R pulled John back around Larry's bird plane I hurried ahead of them, gibbering about how we hadn't brought enough oxygen pills out for our exploration and John had panicked and I how was so sorry and could I please ride along because we were just married and thinking of becoming makers and - 

I kept the Q-R's attention solely on me as he transferred John into the tank. As soon as the tank was secure Larry sprang onto the Q-R from behind. They were built more-or-less the same as humans, and with Larry's height it was easy for him to grab the Q-R's jaw and yank it back. There was a loud crack, and the Q-R went limp in his arms. Larry maneuvered to let it fall onto the sand. "It might have gotten off a distress signal. Let's get out of here."

I nodded, hopping out of the plane and motioning the bii's inside with their precious cargo as I activated the matter-displacer, which hummed to life. Grabbing the chronometer, I darted back into the plane and slid into the seat beside the pilot's, watching the bay doors of the plane grind closed.

"Hold on tight," I told Larry. "This is going to be supremely unpleasant." Then, with a single typed command, I transported us back precisely nine thousand, four hundred and sixty-two years and thirty-eight days into the past.

~~~


	2. Chapter 2

With the sand no longer underneath to buffer us, the limbo plane fell several feet to land on the hard rock with a terrible grinding crash.

Larry was on his feet in an instant, punching the button to open the bay doors of the plane. "Farathooming matter-displacers - " he gasped, disappearing around the side of the plane. Moments later I heard him vomit - hopefully out of the mouth of the cave.

Though I'd made dozens of such trips, I still needed a moment to settle my stomach. I took a few deep breaths, the familiar tang of salt and the ozone of the oncoming storm clearing my head. Then I motioned the biis to unload the second matter displacer and climbed out myself.

"Ooma...."

I heard Larry's voice from the mouth of the cave, low and wondering, and turned. He still stood alongside the plane at the edge of the cave, staring out into the sea.

I moved up behind him, following his gaze. The sun was already setting behind us, and the sky was an angry purple with a riot of storm clouds on the horizon. The ocean waves swirled angrily beneath us, crashing hard on the rocks and sending a light spray of cold salt into our faces.

Larry drew a deep breath, slack-jawed. "Ooma," he said again softly, shaking his head. "It's... it's absolutely insumatt. How could you ever bear to leave this behind?"

I looked out as well, feeling a particular calm wash over me at the vista I'd seen since my childhood despite the oncoming storm. "Love. Ben. The sea is beautiful but dangerous. It took him from me." I touched his back. "Be careful, alright?"

He smiled, nodding, patting the side of the plane. "I'll protect our precious cargo." He looked back towards the sea for a long moment. "... I wish he could see this."

I felt my throat tighten and nodded, turning back to the cave. "This plane is watertight, yes?"

"With the number of Jang who drown themselves? Don't worry." Larry followed me, resting a hand on my shoulder. "I'll be back with your brother in no time."

The turbulence in the sea, the oncoming storm... hell, everything made me nervous. But I nodded, giving him a brave smile. "I'll be waiting."

"I'll leave John's bii with you. If the storm gets any worse it can generate a force net to keep the water out." Larry pressed a kiss to my forehead before getting back in the plane. "Don't worry ooma. We've come this far. We'll do this."

I watched the plane until it was a speck on the horizon. Then I set to work.

With both biis to help me it didn't take long to set up the second matter displacer, though it felt strange to see them placed into the positions I'd found them in so long ago. Like dejavu. Actual dejavu. Then I set about calibrating the machine, inputting the calculations I'd already completed that would take us back to John's time. I checked and double-checked my work, though I'd made enough jumps by now that I was confident of its accuracy; we'd be ready to go well in advance of Larry getting back.

I remembered this day with the kind of exact clarity only found with intense regret. The storm swept in quickly from the sea, a spattering of raindrops that turned into a torrential, howling downpour within ten minutes, still astonishing me with its ferocity even now. The wind blew in sheets of freezing rain that even the cave's overhang couldn't protect us from, so I quickly programmed John's bii to project is protection field, which I huddled behind with my own bii, staring out into the turbulent black.

"Can you track him?" I asked the bii, and it produced its manual input screen, plotting a moving red dot on a typographical map. It only took me a moment to orient the readings into what I was familiar with, recognizing that the ship was only a few minutes away from the coordinates I'd programmed into it. Huddled in the cave, I watched it reach the area, holding my breath as it traveling in a slow, sweeping circle around it. Then it seemed to still completely, blinking calmly in one spot on the map.

I stared at the dot unblinking, as if I could ensure success just by strength of will alone. I couldn't help but wish I'd gone with him, though I knew I'd have been no use except another body in the plane. But the waiting... the not knowing....

Then my bii's communication light started blinking, and I waved it on eagerly. "Larry?"

"I've found the ship, ooma! Just in time - it's on fire, going down fast. Graks, this storm is completely zaradann!"

"Can the plane get to him?" I asked urgently, heart pounding. If we missed him -

"Already on it, ooma. The plane locked into their life-sparks and started collecting right away. The way this plane can move when it needs to - let me tell you, ooma, I'm glad I already lost my breakfast."

Them? Of course the plane would collect the entire crew. I felt slightly ashamed that I hadn't considered it before now, considered any life other than my brother's. It also made me more worried. With the trouble we'd had to go to in order to hide me in their time, could we even hope to hide that many? "The plane has room to take them all, right?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, we're almost done, I'll be back before you know it. We're already at thirty-five - no, thirty-seven - "

A burst of ear splitting static burst from the bii, and then the communication went dead.

"Larry? _Larry!_ " My heart dropped into my stomach. "Call him back," I ordered my bii, then turned to John's. "Call him!"

The communication lights on both devices blinked once, but stayed dark. I grabbed my bii out of the air, a surge of panic overcoming me. "He has to still be there. Where are your fucking scanners - you have to be able to find him, you have to - "

I punched in command after command on the bii's manual input screen, but the topographical map it had shown me previously stayed ominously blank.

A helpless sob wracked my body, and I stumbled out past the protection field and into the rain, shielding my eyes and trying to see into the storm despite the futility of it. I couldn't see anything beyond the waves and the rain, and even that was fading in the quickly approaching darkness of night. 

How could the ship have lost all communication? Had it crashed? Had the power of the storm proved too much for the future technology? Had the jump through time somehow damaged the computer systems? A thousand possibilities ran through my head, each more horrific than the last. How could I fail now with so much at stake?

I searched until there was nothing but black beyond the blur of my tears, until my clothes were soaked to the skin and my limbs frozen. My bii circled around me, futily giving off heat and trying to encourage me out of the rain, and finally I went, stepping past the protection field and sinking down onto the rough stone floor of the cave. My shoulders shivered with the cold as sobs wracked my frame, and I buried my face between my hugged knees. I wept for this final, terrible end to my mission, for the realization that I truly would never see Ben again. And I wept for the brave, beautiful boys that my selfish desires had pulled into this and killed - fiery, spirited Larry. And John. My John. My wonderful, unsurpassable lover.

I couldn't forgive myself for this. Not ever. But that didn't matter.

There was nothing else for me if they were gone.

Then, just as my fingers were beginning to unthaw, throbbing painfully in the heat from my bii, I heard something faintly over the sound of the storm.

For a moment I couldn't quite process what my ears were hearing. Then I held my breath, tensing my body to keep from shivering, and _listened_

The sound was faint, certainly, but there, and steadily growing louder.

The unmistakable drone of a plane.

"Light the cave," I ordered both biis, then turned to my own. "Calculate his trajectory based on sound. Show it to me."

The topograpical map lit with a tiny red dot - oh, beautiful red dot! - that was quickly approaching. But I could already tell that he wasn't on course to the cave. I swore and detached the light source from John's bii, thrusting it at my own before hurrying out of the cave and starting to climb the goat trail up to the top of the cliffs. If I could get to the top in time perhaps the bii and I could create some kind of visual signal, like air traffic control lights - 

I'd climbed the path dozens of times, but whether it was the storm-drenched rocks or my rain-numbed fingers I suddenly found my feet sliding, my hands clutching at nothing. 

Panic flared; I threw myself forward, grabbing wildly to grab the jagged rock for purchase and finding nothing. My feet slid out from under me, and for a moment of terror between heartbeats I was sure I was dead. Then my foot connected with something squishy, and I pushed hard against it, hauling myself back up onto the cliff path.

Wedging my fingers tightly into a crevice in the rock, I looked down to see my bii, carry-net activated and directed upwards like a buffer between me and the drop. I felt a rush of relief, letting out a long breath, then began to climb again more carefully, finally reaching the top.

The drone of the plane was far louder now. I took the second light from the bii and turned it to full, then shone it upwards, brightly illuminating the falling rain in a visible beam. "Mirror me with your light," I instructed it, and pointed mine upwards diagonally into the storm, both lights forming a V. I couldn't have any assurance that Larry would even know what the 21st century air-traffic signal would mean, if he could even see me. But I had to do something.

Encouragingly, the drone grew steadily louder, suddenly whipping overhead with such a force of wind that it nearly knocked me off my feet, and the beam of my light glinted off the underbelly of the craft as it passed by just yards away from me. I ran after it even as it touched down, metal screaming as it scraped against rock and grass, then finally everything was quiet.

I easily found the ship in the beam of my light, which bobbed back and forth as I ran, and when I was a few yards off the bay doors started to open, the interior of the craft barely lit.

"What the hell happened?" I yelled, running up the ramp and into the craft. The beam of my light briefly illuminated Larry's bii laying powerless and motionless on the floor of the craft, then Larry himself, looking pale and shaken.

"Nevermind that," he said, grabbing hold of my bii as it flew in after me before the bay doors clanged shut. "Scan the limbo tanks, give me a status. Tell me they're okay!"

Seconds later a stream of data ran across the manual input screen. The limbo tanks were maintained by an isolated control and containment system, it told us, carefully insulated and still running at full power. 

All thirty-eight collected life-sparks read safe and in excellent condition.

Larry gave a choked sob and grabbed hold of me, hugging me painfully tight. "Of course. Of course it's isolated! They wouldn't take any chances with a life-spark. Oh, that groshing Committee!"

I clung back just as tightly. "Oh god. Oh thank god. Thank god," I repeated, dizzy with relief. "Larry, what the fuck happened?"

He shook his head without making any move to let go, body shaking in my arms. "I... I don't know. One minute we were gaining altitude from our last dive, and the next - there was this deafening boom and crash and all the electronic systems shorted out. My bii too. I managed to force the control toggle so I could fly it manual but I had no idea where land was, I just had to try and remember what the displays had read and guess and I didn't know if I'd ever find you or even find land and I - _fuck!_ "

The entirely non-Jang expletive said everything that he couldn't, and an exhausted, half crazed giggle burst from my lips. "Fuck all of this," I agreed, and pressed a kiss to his hair. "All of it except for you. My brave, derisann ooma. You're amazing beyond words."

He gave a hard laugh as well, sinking back into the pilot's seat and pulling my unresisting body to collapse down with him. "I'll say this much, ooma... compared to that, the Dimension Palace is a walk in the park. I'm never going to be that terrified ever again."

~~~

The storm blew over in the night, while Larry and I bedded down on the floor of the limbo plane, our upper bodies half supported by my bii's carry-net. I felt a surge of fondness for everything the device had helped me through, and quietly wondered if anyone ever named their biis. It felt like it deserved a name, but I'd think on that later.

The sea was deceptively still when I stepped out of the plane, the grass dewy in the soft light of pre-dawn. I could just see the torn up patches of earth that stretched towards the cliffs from where Larry had landed, which I'd seen in the past but never given much thought to. Or was I remembering them now because we'd just made them happen? I pushed the semantics of it out of my mind.

The important thing was getting home.

With both operational biis lighting the inside of the cave Larry was able to guide it carefully inside, setting it down in the center of the matter displacer. I opened the keepsake compartment on my bii and handed Larry an anti-nausea pill before taking one myself. "Ready to go home?"

"So much," he replied, sagging back into the pilot seat.

I activated the matter displacer, quickly making sure that the plas-sheets I was leaving behind with it were tucked in their proper place, then going over my calculations again. I'd given us a comfortable hour since our departure, more than enough time to make sure we didn't accidentally meet our past selves - or worse, arrive in the same space as them. Then a thought struck me, and I ran back out of the plane. "God - I almost forgot!"

"Forgot what?" Larry called after me.

I didn't answer, already pulling the schmatic plas-sheet from its crevice in the matter-displacer and taking the multi-tool from my bii. One of the tools was some kind of stylus, and it was more than enough to scratch a message into the top of the folded sheet.

_He will die_  
use this  
go back  
save him 

Tucking it back into place, I gave the machine an affectionate pat, then climbed back into the plane. Larry carefully lifted the plane to hover safely a few feet above the ground, and I activated the jump.

When the world stabilized, Larry was easing the plane down to land gently on the sand, and as we looked at each other I let out a sigh of relief.

_"Unidentified limbo plane! Cut your engines and open your bay doors!"_

We both started at the booming command. Then Larry gave me a wry half smile, turning off the plane and standing. "Well, I guess they caught on to us."

I stood as well. "I'm so sorry...."

Larry shrugged, holding a hand out for mine. "Come on, ooma. What's the worst thing they can do? Fine us?"

Then the bay doors to the plane slid open, and we found ourselves looking out into the desert, where no less than six bird planes and a veritable army of Q-R's surrounded us.

~~~


	3. Chapter 3

"Your Limbo plane came back with thirty-eight life sparks. Only one is registered anywhere in the domes. Explain."

I stared calmly at the Q-R who had entered my interrogation room. It was all rather soft and comfortable for an interrogation room, all done up in appropriately calming shades of light blue, but there was still an obvious camera in each corner, and it was still furnished only with two chairs and a table. Some things, I supposed, never changed.

"Tell me what you've done with them first," I replied, forcing myself to hold his gaze, projecting a calm and confidence I didn't feel. I'd been left in this room for three hours, according to my pocketwatch, left alone to worry. Larry and I had been separated immediately upon capture, of course, though I'd managed to evade the Q-Rs long enough to smash my chronometer beyond repair.

"Don't tell them anything!" I'd hissed at Larry, before being shoved unceremoniously into a bird plane.

I'd glimpsed the Committee hall out the plane windows as they'd brought me in, dark and imposing. Then they'd thrown me in this room without a word. It was all rather psychologically well planned, I could recognize that, but it only made things a little less overwhelming.

"Explain the additional thirty-seven life-sparks," the Q-R repeated, but I held my ground.

"I'm not saying anything until you tell me what you've done with them. All of them."

"We're not saying anything until you explain," the Q-R echoed.

I shook my head slightly, laying my palms down on the table. "That would be a very poor negotiation tactic for me to employ. Obviously you hold the upper hand, you have every bit of power in this situation. So logically I cannot afford to give anything away for free. Now," I tried put a touch more strength into my voice. "Tell me what you've done with them."

For a long moment the Q-R sat silent, simply looking at me. Probably conferring with someone; John had explained that they all had telepathy units in their elbows, though the programming of said units seemed restricted only to communicate with each other, thank god. Finally the Q-R opened his mouth.

"All thirty-eight life-sparks have been safely recovered and placed into cold storage until this matter has been resolved."

Cold storage. I felt an icy shiver run down my spine. From the way the Jang had talked about it, it was one of the only forms of punishment in their society, used for disobedient Jang who abused their body allotment through too-frequent suicides. I didn't know exactly what it entailed other than being unpleasant. But perhaps it was for the best. Trying to put Ben and the others in new bodies without anyone to guide them into this time might be unwise.

"What about John? He's a citizen of Four BII."

The Q-R looked back at me evenly. "Jang John is an accessory in your escapade. He will be kept in cold storage until we have addressed and actioned this situation."

I felt my heart stop. "No. This is my fault, I instigated this. Please don't punish him for what I've done."

"We still don't know what it is you have done," he replied pointedly. "Where did the additional thirty-seven life-sparks come from?"

For a moment I weighed the benefit of revealing my hand. What I'd spent the last eight years of my life doing was highly questionable, both logically and ethically. But I knew that the effects and inconsistencies of our trip to the past would soon become apparent, regardless.

I took a slow breath. "The extra thirty-seven life-sparks are from the year 1907. And as your programmed primary function is to preserve and maintain the quality of human life, you are now required to protect them as well."

I watched him take in my words without expression, no doubt calculating their likelihood.

"Technology in 1907 was not sufficient to gather and maintain life-sparks."

"No. That's why I stole the limbo plane and took it back in time."

"This is a physical impossibility."

I shook my head. "To you, maybe. I've discovered how. Your own technology will support what I'm saying. Analyze the soil samples on the feet of the plane. Check the internal time pieces on the operational biis, they'll show an additional ten hours from what they should. The biis own records should show scans of areas that no longer exist in this time.

"I'll verify your claims," the Q-R said shortly, and left the room again.

Within fifteen minutes he'd returned. This time he didn't even sit. "You determined how to travel through time."

"Yes."

"How?"

"I won't tell you that."

"But you used our technology."

"I adapted it, yes."

"For what purpose?"

I lifted my chin. "To save my brother. My twin, if your records can possibly explain what that really means. He's one of those thirty-seven lives. I have no intention or desire to use the technology again."

The Q-R leaned forward. "You realize the implications of what you and your Jang friends have done are incredibly concerning? Such a technology could be used to completely undermine our society."

It was the reaction I'd worried about. I pressed on, trying to think of explanations that would be acceptable to analytical reasoning. "And you can see that logically, if I was going to do such a thing, it would already be done." I clasped my hands together contritely, leaning forward "I have no reason to lie about this. I developed the technology for one reason only - to save my brother's life. I'll pay whatever debt or fine you want to leverage against me, but the blame is mine alone. Just please return John to his body and let me see my brother."

Th Q-R seemed unswayed. "The Committee must weigh and assess the threat you pose to our society. You will be held until we reach a verdict."

I felt my heart drop down to my toes. "Please - I swear I pose no threat. I'll even give you my original ship as a token of good faith. If you let me see my brother - "

But my words fell on deaf ears. The Q-R was gone.

~~~

 

It was hard not to lose hope. To come so close to seeing Ben again only to face this obstacle. The helplessness of it all was infuriating, devastating.

Why had I tried the limbo plane first? Why hadn't we just taken a bird plane back, forcibly snatched him from the deck of the ship long before the storm? Surely the appearance of such a craft would have finally convinced him of the truth of my words, even when all else had failed. Even if we'd been caught I still could have seen him again, finally, and felt the broken pieces of my heart once more become whole. I...

I could have said good-bye.

It struck me then, that in all the times I'd gone back, all the attempts I'd made to convince him or waylay him... I'd never made my peace, never come to terms with his impending death. Never... I'd never told him I loved him one last time.

The realization was what finally broke me, and I laid my head on my arms on the table and wept.

Finally, several hours later, the Q-R returned. I assumed he was the same one, but they all had very similar, plastically pleasing features. I didn't feel any sense of attachment to this one, though, and he didn't attempt to soften the blow.

"It has been unanimously decided that the knowledge that you and your adopted circle of Jang now possess is too dangerous to allow to continue to exist in the domes. You will all be given seven units to put your affairs in order and make your peace. You will be isolated together during this time to prevent the spread of this dangerous knowledge. Then the group of you and the thirty-eight life-sparks we have in cold storage will be subject to personality dissolution for the period of one full rorl, then integrated back into our society as new individuals."

I'd stood when he entered, and now the world began to swim around me. I had to sit down, my knees like jelly, my heart pounding painfully through the pain that clutched at it. "You'd wipe our memories completely. Everything that makes us human."

"It is the only way to ensure the continued safety of the domes and our society. This is our programmed primary function, as you so kindly reminded us."

I pressed my fingers to my mouth in horror, and shook my head. "Please, we - we're not dangerous. How could we be? Nothing that we've done in this time has risked anything - "

"Nothing?" The Q-R raised his eyebrows. "Just within the past unit you have attempted to steal a limbo plane and successfully stolen another. You've taken two of our citizens back into the past with you, a place where their deaths would have been permanent if your trip was not successful. And you've subverted an entire social group of citizens to aid in your plans. You are dangerous. We cannot risk allowing you or those you have subverted to remain free in our society."

Panic was quickly rising in me, and I shook my head wildly. "Just me, then. I'm the guilty party, as you said. Leave them out of this, please. I didn't give them the technology, they have no idea how to use or replicate it. I'm the only threat."

"The knowledge of its existence is enough." Then his features softened, as if taking pity at my situation. "We are prepared to offer you one concession. If you give us the location of the craft that you mentioned we will bring one of your circle out of cold storage and give them a new body for the duration of the seven units you have remaining."

I felt my heart leap. Could I really see my brother again? "One of my friends as well as John, yes?"

"Just one," The Q-R replied. "Your Jang friend or one of the souls you rescued. We will not manage any more detainees. Your choice."

"No." I shook my head again, tripping over my words in panic. "You can't do that. John is one of your citizens too, he deserves the time to put his affairs in order as much as the rest of us. You can't keep him - of course I'll pay whatever you want - I won't tell you anything unless you agree to give me both of them - "

"Just one," the Q-R cut me off, more impatient now. "We won't bargain with you on this. Once we put you into PD you won't recall the location of your ship anyway, so we're not particularly concerned with whether or not you tell us. This is simply a courtesy to you." He stepped back to open the door and two more Q-Rs stepped inside with the restraints they'd used on me earlier.

"We'll transport you to the isolation home where you will spend your last seven units," my Q-R told me, and I didn't even attempt to fight the restraints. "Signal us when you've made your decision. We recommend you don't waste too much time."

~~~

I felt numb throughout the entire journey, the heavy weight of the decision I was faced with crushing me entirely.

Before I'd made this journey into the future there wouldn't have even been a question. Every decision I had made, every step I'd taken was with the sole purpose of reuniting with my twin. Nothing was more important than that.

Then John had come into my life, so selflessly kind, so beautiful. So loving. How could I turn my back on that? How could I deny him the chance to say goodbye to his loved ones when he'd made such a sacrifice to help me? How could I end this life without seeing him one more time?

But how could I turn my back on my brother?

The building they took me to was a plain white tower that stood by the committee building. There was no landing pad; the only apparent access point was the lift they took me up in. Two Q-Rs stood guard outside the door, though yet didn't pay me any attention other than to key open the door. I heard it beep closed and lock behind me.

I'd stepped into a communal living room similar to how I remembered the hotel, but without the flair - or pool. Larry was sitting with Frank and the girls, though Leon's absence cheered me somewhat. At least one person had managed to escape all this.

Larry looked over as soon as the door opened, getting to his feet to meet me. "Oh thank god. Ooma, have they said anything about John?"

I shook my head, throat tight. "I'm so sorry," I managed. "This is all my fault."

"We knew the risks of helping you with this," Frank said quietly. "Perhaps better than you did, ooma."

"It's just not fair!" May exploded, kicking one of the serving robots to skitter halfway across the room. "They have no right to call us dangerous without a fair assessment! Without even a trial!'

"We have no official crime here," Frank pointed out. "There are no systems of trials like there was in the past before the domes."

"But they haven't even consulted the human party of the committee - "

I couldn't face them - her anger, Anna's sorrow. Franks apparent acceptance or the sympathy in Larry's eyes. Not with the guilt of what I'd done to them hanging over me. Not with the weight of my decision crushing my spirit.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered again. Then I turned and climbed the stairs to the second level of the tower. I was relieved to find sleeping rooms, and I locked myself in the one on the far end, giving in again to my sorrow.

Some time later I heard a soft knock on the door, heard Larry's voice. "Ooma... Can I come sit with you?"

I felt another surge of guilt. But I waved the door open anyway, sitting up and wiping my puffy eyes with the back of my hand.

Larry sat beside me wordlessly, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, letting out a long, soft sigh. "I miss him, too," he said finally. "They wouldn't even tell me anything. For all I know they might have already shoved him in PD." He sighed again, and his voice shook. "I'm so sorry about your brother, ooma. God, we were so close, and it's all wasted. It's just not fair!"

I nodded, turning into him and returning his embrace. "Thank you," I said, my voice raspy from sorrow. "You've done far more than I ever had the right to ask for. You and John both. I'm so sorry."

Larry shook his head, pulling back to look at me and forcing a smile. "John would have never wanted you to be unhappy, ooma. Even now. He really loved you." Smile faltering, he looked away. "... Just wish we could have said goodbye."

Heart aching, I realized my choice should have been obvious from the beginning. I pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, then stood, starting for the door. "I'll get him back."

"What? How?" Larry stood, following me as I went back downstairs. "Ooma, how?"

I ignored him, going to the front doors and rapping on them. "I've made my decision," I told him quietly. "Please bring John back. My ship is in the basement of the Ancient History museum."

The Q-R gave a nod of acknowledgement. "We will verify your data and return him to you shortly." Then the door closed and locked again.

I turned back to find Larry watching me, his eyebrows knit in concern, voice low. "They gave you the option to give your ship up for John and you had to think about it?"

I looked away. "That's not what I had to give up," I replied, then pushed past him without looking at him again. "Please excuse me."

This time he didn't follow me. I couldn't blame him. In any case, it was easier to just curl up in bed and close my eyes to it all, letting sleep mercifully take me.

~~~

 

I was awakened sometime later by the sound of the door opening, blearily realizing that I hadn't bothered to lock it. The dome outside the building's frosted windows was dark, and only the faint light of their fake moon illuminated my lover as he slipped in, going to his knees at the side of the bed. I sat up as he did, leaning in to wrap my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest with a soft sob.

John pressed a kiss to my hair, enfolding me in his arms without question. "Oh, ooma....."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and he shook his head.

"Just happy to get to see you again," he murmured, kissing my hair again. "... you should have taken your ship and escaped, love."

I have a soft, helpless laugh that was close to a sob. "Without you? Without Ben? There's nothing else out there for me. And I couldn't bear to leave you."

John's breath teased soft and warm against my ear. "....Lar's angry you hesitated. But it wasn't about the ship, was it?" He pulled back, cupping my cheek with one hand. "Ooma... your brother...."

I closed my eyes on my tears, but couldn't stop the emotion that shuddered through me. John have a soft, pained noise, pressing soft, trembling kisses to my forehead, my eyelids. "Oh, ooma... my love.... you shouldn't have...."

"I had to," I managed to whisper, drawing a shuddering breath. "I couldn't turn my back on you for him. Everything you've done for me... Trusting me to get you back.... And all the trouble I caused.... Oh god, John. You never should have helped me!"

"Shh...." John kissed me gently, fingers stroking through my hair. "Stop. I wouldn't change a single decision I've made, love. I'd do it all over again. Yeah, this is a pretty drumdik way for things to end, but I've been through PD before. And anyway, I fully intend to figure out some way to get us out of this. We'll be alright, you'll see."

I shook my head and kisses him again. "Don't talk like that, please. I know this is all my fault, and I can't - I can't handle that kind of optimism right now. Let's just enjoy these last few days together. Please."

John's eyes were sad in the dim light, but he nodded. "Anything you want, my ooma-kasma." He leaned in to kiss me again, longer, more adoring, and I needed him too badly to push him away despite my guilt.

"Come to bed with me," I breathed, tugging him to me. "I need you. Please....."

"Always yours," John murmured, and moved to urge me down in bed, blanketing me with his body and undoing our clothes as our kisses grew more heated. He'd come back in the same body he'd had before he last suicided, and I tried not to think about the fact that he'd chosen it as part of my plan, to meet Ben in something less overwhelming than the flamboyant Jang style. But he was just as beautiful like this. More, to my eyes.

Even now I couldn't help but feel a shiver of wonder as I pressed close to my lover's body - strong, beautiful, and entirely masculine. I let my fingers stroke over the firm muscles of his chest as we undressed each other, over narrow hips and a glorious, well-muscled ass. How many times in the past had I felt such then-forbidden desire over men who couldn't lift a finger to John's beauty or kindness? Lusted even knowing I could never dare to try and find fulfilment in such a thing? Arriving in this time and learning that such desires were not only accepted but so natural that they weren't even questioned was amazing beyond belief.

And then, on top of it all, John had wanted me....

I slid my hand down to curl it around the girth of his cock, biting my lip on a moan at the thrill of desire it sent through me. I reveled in how it felt to stroke him, soft skin gliding over the length of his erection, hard against my palm. I pressed my thumb against the arousal that pearled at the head of his cock, loving being able to feel the proof of his desire, hear his gasp of pleasure as I teased and caressed him.

"So beautiful..." I sighed against his lips as I stroked him. "Oh, love... so amazing, being with you...."

He moaned, dropping his lips to my neck, worshiping me with kisses and soft nips. "Always, love. Nothing in the world like having love with you...."

I whimpered agreement, writhing more under him, claiming his mouth to demand another kiss. Perhaps if I could just kiss him long enough we could wish ourselves away from all this. At least I could forget everything that had happened and just focus on him, on everything I had instead of everything I was going to lose.

"Make love to me," I gasped against his mouth, arching my hips up against him, trying to encourage more. "God, John, please... let me forget all this."

John drew back to look down at me, stroking his fingers through my hair, his smile sweet and sad, and he nodded. "Just think about me, then," he murmured, and kissed me as he reached for the lube, reaching between my thighs to stroke and tease me, stretching me open with his fingers. He caught my bottom lip between his, sucking nibbling at it until I felt nearly mad with need, trying to rock up onto his fingers, whimpering into his mouth.

"Just us," I whispered, crying out as his fingers twisted inside me, sending a bright burst of pleasure up my spine. "Oh god," I gasped, but it wasn't enough. Never enough like this. "God please, please fuck me - "

"My ooma," John murmured, and answered my pleas without question. The float bed here had a cushion much like ones we often used in the floaters, lifting my hips so he could slot himself between them perfectly, the hard length of his cock sliding over my entrance as we rocked together. It was such a terrible tease compared to what I knew was to come, and I couldn't stand waiting. Not tonight, not after everything that had happened.

"Please,"I gasped again, desperate and needy, the word catching in my throat. "John please, I need you - "

"Shhh," he murmured soothingly, then started to carefully rock inside me.

I gave a soft sob of pleasure as my body stretched around him, taking the familiar, longed for girth of his cock. I pulled my thighs up higher, pressing my heels to the small of his back as I caught his lips with mine. Having love was still near overwhelming in its pleasure: the way it felt to be claimed and penetrated by him, the thickness of his cock inside me, the slide of his cock against sensitive nerve endings as he began to move in me. John pressed breathless, worshipful kisses against my skin as he rocked in me slowly, "Oh ooma... so good, being inside you.... can't ever enough of you...."

"More," I gasped, and was rewarded with a harder thrust, with my lover moving just so, rocking up inside me to hit against that amazing, sensitive place that caused me so much pleasure. I needed that, especially now, and I arched up against him to grind up against his cock, a choked cry of pleasure escaping my lips. I needed the intensity, needed to be completely overwhelmed by it. "Harder. Please, oh god, John, please - !"

John nipped at my bottom lip before pulling away, pulling me up with him. He moved to lean me back against the headboard, pulling me onto his lap as he rocked up into me again, the weight of my body pushing him deep. He hooked both arms under my knees, pushing them almost to my chest as his hips snapped up into me, and I found myself almost completely helpless to his perfect, punishing thrusts, fucking me hard and fast and exactly as I wanted.

I couldn't hold back my pleasure even if I'd wanted to, each thrust overwhelming me, pulling a breathless cry from my lips. My cock pressed hard against my stomach, slick with arousal, but I'd quickly learned that I didn't need to be stimulated like this, not with John so expertly driving sensation through me with each hard buck of his hips. I gasped against his mouth as he sucked and nipped at my lips, echoing my ecstasy with his own cries, with the helpless way that he gasped my name as we sought completion together.

Then he slowed, pressing his lips to mine to claim my whimper of dismay. "I'll love you no matter what happens," he said softly, kissing me again, more fervently, and I could hear his voice treble. "I swear that to you, love. My heart will always know you, always love you. I promise you."

I drew a shuddering breath against his lips. "But how can that be possible?"

"How can any of what we've done be possible?" John nuzzled my cheek, pressing soft kisses to my face as he began to rock slowly in me again. "I'll love you again, my ooma-kasma. I'm certain of it."

I let myself believe in the romanticism of such a thought, and nodded, heart aching, pulling him into another trembling kiss. But the sweetness of his words somehow spurred my passion more, and in moments John was taking me apart. His familiar, exquisite lovemaking pulled me to the peaks of pleasure, sensation building until it overwhelmed me, and I cried out against his mouth as I clenched around the gorgeous girth of his cock, pulling him to me, fingers digging into his back as I cried out the euphoria he'd driven me to.

"Daniel," he murmured urgently, and in a few thrusts had joined me, spilling hot inside me, claiming me entirely.

"I love you," I gasped as we came down, trembling, clinging to him. "Oh god, John, don't leave me."

And despite knowing he was facing the same terrible end as I was, John was still perfectly comforting, pressing soft kisses to my skin, keeping me tight and safe in his arms. "Shh... always be here, love. I promise. No matter what."

It was almost enough to forget that we only had six days left before we would experience ego-death.

~~~


	4. Chapter 4

John and I didn't speak about finding a way out of this, but I could tell the wheels in his head were turning. Over the next two days he examined the tower we were being held in from top to bottom, looking for - I assumed- done kind of weakness or undiscovered way out. I helped him, though I didn't hold much hope of finding anything. Even the top floor of the tower, an outdoor terrace with a pool, wasn't truly outdoors, just a high domed clear roof and a light, artificially generated breeze.

There was still no sign of Leon, but no-one mentioned him. We had no idea, as Frank had too-casually said, whether or not the committee was monitoring this house. Then, as we'd just finished our breakfast on the morning of the third day, we heard a commotion coming from outside.

"Let go of me, you farathooming hunk of circuits, I can walk myself, I - ow!"

A tiny, large-breasted Jang girl was shoved through the front doors, which closed and locked quickly behind her. She had deep indigo skin, her long hair sheets of wavy, shimmering gold, and her skin and sheer silks were spangled with a riot of tiny gold bells and jeweled flowers - as Jang as Jang could be. As soon as she saw us her blue eyes lit up, and she ran to Frank, throwing her arms up around his neck. "Oh, ooma!"

He have a soft noise of surprise as he caught her, tentatively hugging her back. ".... Leon?"

"Of course it's me. As soon as they caught you and May I knew they'd come looking for our whole circle. So I reprogrammed one of the body displacers to send me directly to BAA to get an unregistered body and flew back on a bird plane as an out-domer. I've been evading ever since. They told me what they're going to do to us."

I'd hoped that Leon, at least, would somehow managed to escape our punishment. "I'm so sorry," I said softly, heart aching, but Leon shook her head.

"No. Those pomoks think they can run everything, but we won't let them! Turn on the picture vision."

Larry made a motion towards one of the blank walls behind him, which immediately changed to display a 3-D scene of about fifteen older people having an extremely enthusiastic orgy in the cloud floaters. I felt my cheeks burn and quickly looked back to Leon, who made a dismissive motion with her hands.

"Just wait," she said. "It should repeat in a split or two. The committee's going to be going completely zaradann."

"Ooma... what have you done?" I watched a slow smile spread across Frank's lips.

"Fought back, of course." Leon jutted her chin out defiantly. "They're being completely ridiculous, you know. As soon as they brought the limbo plane back the Committee started rounding up everyone we've had contact with over the past few vreks. Even pulled in Kuro and that big pomok mountain of a friend of his from Four BEE for questioning. They've been holding all of them, and people have started to notice. So we figured we'd do something to encourage it - oh, here it is!"

The scene of the orgy was quickly overlayed with another image, almost totally eclipsing the writhing bodies. I recognized the tower as the one we were being held in, the Committee building black and imposing in the background.

"This emergency flash is to inform you that the Q-R segment of Four BII's Committee is in breach of their authorized activities," a masculine voice said over the sounds of the orgy. "They have detained a group of Jang in this tower without informing the humans, and will not let them communicate with anyone. These Jang are in possession of knowledge that threatens their power and authority over us, and the Q-R's actions represent something far more sinister. They are putting their interests before humans. Should this detention be allowed to continue, it will set a precedent that would see the Q-R's strip away the liberty for any dome resident. We demand these Jang be freed immediately, and if this does not happen in three units we will disperse their secret to every resident of the domes. We give the committee three units to respond."

The orgy had been turned up far louder behind the flash in an effort to drown out its message, but it still came through loud and clear. Larry made a motion to turn it off as the orgy returned full force, and for a long moment we started at the blank screen. Then Larry spoke. "I... think that was my maker's voice." He turned to Leon in amazement. "How?"

Leon looked particularly smug. "I went to Alan as soon as I got back to BII and told him everything. Then I started telling as many people as I could that the Committee was holding you unlawfully. We set up the flash to automatically trigger all over Four BII if I was separated from my bii for more than fifteen splits. He's figured out some way to tap into the emergency flash system and he's quite certain the committee won't find it for units. So this'll keep replaying every fifteen splits until he stops it, and I don't think they're going to find him any time soon." She folded her arms across her chest. "The Jang I talked to were already going zaradann over this even before the flash, the Committee will have to answer it. I don't know about you, oomas, but I have no intention of letting this be my last few units. Or my last body."

"Ooma... you're insumatt." Frank pulled her back against him tightly at that, murmuring something else in her ear, which made her laugh breathlessly, flushing pink even through her purple skin. Then she gave us a wink and pulled him upstairs towards the sleeping rooms.

John continued to stare at the blank wall that had been the picture vision, expression distant with his thoughts. "We have to do something more with this," he mused, biting his bottom lip.

May shook her head. "How do we know anyone will even care about the flash?"

John held her gaze seriously. "I would, ooma. Wouldn't you? Even if it was just out of fear of having the same thing happen to me. Even just to say Vixaxn to the Committee. But regardless...." He chewed on his bottom lip, then shook his head. "I need to think about this. Ooma...." He held a hand to me. "Come help me think."

"Generally that makes you not think," Larry pointed out, and John smirked and made a rude gesture at him. Then he tugged me upstairs into the sleeping room we'd claimed. He pulled me close, urging my head against his chest, and I let myself relax into him, closing my eyes and enjoying the slow cares of John's fingers on my back. But still he said nothing.

Finally I asked, "what are you thinking, love?"

"Just trying to think like a Q-R," he said slowly, but sighed. "I don't know. They're so rigidly, infuriating logical that it's hard to even formulate an argument. But I feel like I have to at least _try_." He sighed, pressing a kid to my hair. "I don't want to lose you, ooma-kasma. I don't want to lose _us_."

I pulled back to look up at him. "Tell me what you're thinking? We can puzzle through it together?"

"Even though you have no experience with the Committee?"

"Let's go downstairs, then." I cupped his cheek with one hand, stroking his skin. "We'll talk it over with everyone. Your circle's dynamics are so complimentary, love. I'm sure with all our minds to it we'll figure something out."

He nodded slowly. "I hope so. But you're right, in any case. We're in this together. We should solve it together."

Before we could move the whole tower shook with the force of a booming explosion. I jumped, holding John tighter, but his eyes lit up. "Leon was right. It's starting."

We stepped out into the hallway to find that Leon had just poked her head out of another sleeping room, not seeming to care about her disheveled silks. She grinned as she caught sight of John and I. "See? I told you people would respond!"

"What was that?" I asked, and John mirrored Leon's grin.

"If I'm not mistaken that was someone crashing their bird plane into the top of our tower in retaliation against the Committee."

I felt a spike of alarm. "The building - "

"The building will be fine. But we should probably stay clear of the top floor just in case." Frank appeared in the doorway with Leon, pulling her back inside. "And I'm not even nearly finished with you, my ooma."

"Come plot with us when you're done!" John called after them, grinning at Leon's answering giggle, then taking me downstairs.

Larry met us at the foot of the stairs. "Was that really a bird plane crashing?"

"I think so." John looked towards the girls, who were watching another iteration of the flash as it finished. "Surprised they haven't cut picture-vision all together."

"The emergency flash system would still broadcast," Larry replied, settling down onto a couch and looking up at us expectantly. "You figured out a master plan, ooma?"

"We could hope that one of the bird planes crashes through the glacia-view upstairs and then climb out," May suggested, half-joking.

John shook his head. "They'll just come looking for us again, you know that. I think we have to figure out a way to give the committee something they want more than to just silence us."

"And it'll have to placate the rest of the dome now," Larry pointed out, glancing towards the frosted windows of the main floor. "But... how?"

John sat as well, chewing on his bottom lip, and wrapped an arm around me as I sat beside him. "I've been thinking about their programmed primary function. To preserve and maintain the quality of human life, right? That's what we're taught in hypno-school? Followed by the inability to be deceitful or self-serving and so on. Keeping us here is really just following that programming. Somehow we need to convince them that it's not."

"Putting us through P-D doesn't risk our lives," Anna pointed out with a frown. "Q-R's don't care about whether or not our identities are intact. We're still alive, we'll still be given the same quality of life as we have now."

"But... what kind of quality does our life actually have right now?" John said slowly, looking at each of them in turn. "Are you happy, oomas? I mean, really happy? I mean yes, all our needs are met and every whim is catered to, but when it comes down to it every day is exactly the same. We can look forward to eventually being Older People and maybe being Makers, but what do they have to look forward to? If we were really happy, why would anyone ever choose P-D?"

"Or suicide?" I asked, starting to understand the brilliance of the idea.

John smiled, kissing my hair. "Exactly, ooma. And I think that deep down everyone feels the same. But the Q-R's function on logic, they can't feel like we can. How do we get them to understand?"

We discussed the matter at some length, slowly coming up with a plan. With John's brilliant idea voiced I found it easy to debate, pulling it apart and building reasoning and rebuttals. When Frank and Leon finally re-joined us they added an unexpected extra level of complexity to the discussion, and slowly I started to feel like we actually stood a chance.

There were three more explosions throughout the afternoon, each one serving to add to our resolution. We kept the picture-vision on low as we spoke, monitoring the continued replays of Leon's flashes, and were further encouraged when they started to be quickly followed by broadcasts from the committee. At first they were pleading: pay no attention to these, don't attempt to engage with these dangerous people. Soon they turned threatening, and I could hear the desperation in the message. Anyone continuing to fly into our tower would be put into cold storage until after we were dealt with. Surprisingly, that one was still followed by another crash.

Finally, once everyone was satisfied, we made our move.

John rapped firmly on the front doors, staring them down with such purpose and confidence that I couldn't help but feel a soft shiver of both desire and admiration. After a moment he rapped again, harder, and finally the doors slid open.

"We have a proposal for the Committee," John said before our Q-R guards could say anything. "An acceptable way out of this for both parties."

"We're certain this will die down soon after your personality dissolution," one of the Q-R's told him.

"Look, you can see them!" We heard a faint cry, and a small bird plane flew by jerkily, overloaded with Jang who recklessly hung out the open door. One of them lobbed a bottle of what looked like Joyousness towards the building, which smashed on the landing behind the Q-R, spraying the liquid everywhere. From the debris and sticky stains on the landing and it wasn't the first time a bottle had found its mark. As I looked down over the side of the landing I realized that the low buzz of noise I could hear was dozens of people clustered at the base of the tower.

Leon's flash had certainly roused its audience.

"Justice!" the thrower cried, a dazzling female with bright pink everything. "We'll riot for vreks, oomas!"

"Ooma, you're so derisann!" Another yelled out, and the Q-R angrily pushed John and I further back into the foyer, following us so the door could close behind him.

"It might die down," John agreed, and I could tell he was trying not to smile. "Or it might not. You see, we've given the Jang something new and interesting to do, and we've given the Older People something new to complain about. If you send us into P-D they're going to find out, and you're going to have to commit resources to dealing with this rebellion for vreks."

"People need to feel like they're in charge of the world," I said, keeping my voice quiet and serious and trying to infuse all of my knowledge and belief into it. "That is the story of history. That's why you have a human segment of the Committee, is it not? Even though they do little more than nod and smile at your decisions? The idea that you have made such a momentous decision about humans without human input will not sit well with your populace. Especially the Older People."

"And that's without factoring in the dissemination of our little secret throughout the dome," John added. "I know that you don't have the resources to put the whole dome into P-D. You'd have no-one left to pay into the energy banks that keep things running."

"Which would be to your detriment as much as ours," the Q-R pointed out, but John shrugged.

"I don't really care, to be honest. We're facing ego-death. So what if it ends up being real death? Our lives as we know them now are over."

He was so nonchalant about it that I nearly believed him. I turned my attention back to the Q-R, holding his gaze without faltering. "You have nothing to lose by hearing us out, and much to lose if we cannot solve this problem. Bring the Q-R segment of the Committee here. Let us explain our solution. If it's not acceptable then there's no damage done."

For a long moment the Q-R was silent, and I hoped he was using his telepathy unit to confer with the others. Finally he answered. "The Q-R segment of the committee will arrive in 30 splits. Make yourself ready."

Hurriedly, we did. The others changed out of their Jang silks and into the white cotton jumpsuits that had been left for us in the house, though John, Larry and I put back on the clothes we'd created to mirror my time - thankfully the cleansing units had taken the mud and sea-salt out of mine, and we all looked quite respectable. Then we pulled down cushions and chairs from the sleeping rooms and off the top deck of the tower, arranging the bottom room into two rings of tiered seats and settling down in a small pie slice at the far end, facing the door. It put me in mind a little of an ancient Athenian assembly from the history books, which further buoyed my spirits.

When the front doors of the tower finally opened, the buzz of angry noise was much louder than it had been before, and we heard hollers and the drone of a passing bird-plane. Then a veritable army of Q-R's streamed in - certainly far more than were actually in the Committee - all dressed in somber black jumpsuits. But they quietly filled the rest of the room, settling down into seats and standing along the walls.

I recognized the Q-R who'd questioned me, who sat down on the cushion directly across from Larry, John and I. "We will hear you out," he said quietly, "Though we are doubtful that you could possibly come up with a solution to all of this trouble you've selfishly caused."

"More than a solution," John said, reaching to take my hand and squeezing gently. "We have a way that you can not only get out of this, but improve the quality of life in the domes." Then he took a deep breath and launched into it.

"The story we tell Four BII is that our dangerous secret is that you are in breach of your programmed primary function. That Daniel is a Glar and we have been his students for the past few vreks, studying history to understand how things used to be. That we've discovered that an essential part of maintaining the quality of human life is maintaining our happiness, which is where you are failing."

"That part is true," Larry added. "The Jang as a whole are miserable, and you can't deny that. That's why you have to stuff us full of ecstasy and play inner-ear to get any kind of decent payment out of us. That's why so many of us end up in cold storage for suiciding too much. We literally have nothing to do with our lives."

"And that's why we - this circle and I - immediately rallied behind Daniel when he appeared in our time," John added. "Think about this logically. What reason would we have had to go to the trouble of helping him when it didn't benefit us in any way? We're completely droad, and we're going zaradann with it. Daniel offered us something that a million Q-R's could never think up - a purpose."

"The purpose of life is to survive and reproduce," my Q-R replied, and a disbelieving laugh escaped my lips before I could stop myself.

"Survive and reproduce? Who programmed you, some zookeeper? That hasn't been the purpose of life since tens of rorls before even my time, clearly your records must tell you that." Then a terrible thought occurred to me. "But that's what you are, isn't it? You're our zookeepers. Humanity was killing themselves. They destroyed the world. So you put us in safe little domes to keep us from going extinct, to breed and re-establish the species. You don't care about our quality of life as long as we're still alive, do you?"

"Negative," my Q-R replied immediately. "Every possible desire of humanity has been made available to them. Maintaining a high quality of life is an essential part of our purpose."

John jumped on it. "So you have a purpose, but we don't! And that's exactly the problem!"

"And just what do you propose this purpose to be, that will magically solve all your unhappiness?" the Q-R pressed, and I thought I could hear a hint of haughtiness in his voice.

John glanced to me, and I took a deep breath. "Please understand that as a visitor to this time I hold the greatest respect for the work the Committee has done to preserve humanity," I started, watching them carefully. "I understand that I have acted rashly and selfishly, and I take full responsibility for the trouble that I have caused these citizens. The truth of the matter is that there is no silver bullet - no magical answer, no single purpose that will make everyone happy again. Every person is different, and everyone will find motivation and purpose in different things. 

"This is why your programming has not allowed you to discover a solution yourselves. But I have a perspective on life unique from anything in the domes. My training and understanding - my work, from before this time - is in the human mind. How different people think and react, how to motivate them. Because no matter how cleverly you are programmed, the fact remains that you cannot experience empathy for a human. And because of that, no human will ever be able to share their sorrow with you, and you will never be able to alleviate it no matter how many drugs or fire boats or magical experiences you build for them. It's all meaningless hedonism."

"And isn't that why circles are a thing?" John added, leaning forward on his cushion. "We find a purpose in our ability to relate and interact with each other. That's why people who have trouble in their circles are more likely to become maladjusted, right? That's why circles are asked to adopt people when they come out of P-D. Because you recognize that we can give each other something you can't."

"One person could not council the entire four domes," the Q-R pointed out, and I shook my head.

"Of course not. But it's a skill I am willing to teach to appropriate members of your domes. I can understand who would be most suited - and more importantly, most happy - in such a role. My brother can help me. Then we move into phase two - developing a purpose for everyone else. This is where personalities like John come in, the inspirers, the idealists. We give the idealists the opportunity to advance the culture in ways that have done so throughout history, to spearhead initiatives based on their passions. Others will naturally follow their lead."

John nodded. "If you'd given me an opportunity to go explore the desert - really explore it - I would have taken my friends and gone in an instant. Or to start a fashion competition, or to explore and discover new technology, or design a building, or - did you know history people used to act out their own picture-vision? Real stories, I mean, not having love. And perform them live! Think how grand that would be here! And what if, in a rorl or two, we stored up enough energy through this initiative to found a fifth dome? Imagine how amazing that could be!"

"Such undertakings were motivated in the past by financial gain," another Q-R pointed out. "This motivation no longer exists. How would you make people participate?"

I shook my head. "We wouldn't need to, that's the point. People will do it just in order to have a purpose. Some will chose not to, of course. Especially at the beginning. But you'll still be better off than you are now."

My Q-R turned his attention to the one beside him, and for a long moment they were all silent, hopefully conversing. Finally he looked to me. "We would have to classify you an older person if you are to claim the title of Glar. Older People would not take you seriously otherwise. It would mean the end of being able to associate with this circle of Jang outside of your service to the domes."

My heart lept at the confirmation that they were considering our proposal, then immediately sank. But before I could speak, Frank did.

"Or you could just remove the current classification system. If Jang want to behave like older people, let them. Or if an Older Person want to stay Jang. Or if an Older Person wants to spend a stint as a Jang to revitalize themselves. Maybe people would chose that instead of ego-death."

"Let us put this proposal to the full Committee," John pressed gently. "The human segment too. They must be pressing you for answers. Let them decide if such a thing would be beneficial to the domes. Or even just Four BII. If they don't feel that it would be then we'll accept whatever consequences you set."

"We will consider it," my Q-R told him. "But let us offer you an alternative. We will tell the human portion of the Committee and the inhabitants of Four BII that you are to be made an example of for stealing the limbo planes as an act of Jang Sabotage and endangering the safety of human life. You will admit that your flash was all falsehood. In return we will give you all one last new body in whatever form or body you choose, and we will exile you to a small settlement in an unknown location in the desert for the rest of a normal human lifespan. Your every need will be catered to as it would be here, but you will be allowed no contact with anyone in the domes. After you die you will be placed into personality dissolution and be reintegrated with society as new individuals."

"Unacceptable," John replied immediately.

My Q-R held up a hand. "Wait. One last thing. We will also allow the time traveller's brother a new body, to live with you in exile. That was your purpose, yes? To reunite them? Your greatest desire, Daniel?"

 _Ben._ The thought of seeing him again overwhelmed me, my throat closing tight, and I couldn't have responded even if I'd wanted to. My Q-R smiled, suddenly appearing kind. "Discuss it amongst yourselves. We will give you until this time tomorrow to reach a decision." Then they rose as one and started filing out of the tower.

I sat and watched numbly as they left. _Ben_. An entire human lifetime with both him and John. The thought of it made my heart ache with longing. A lifetime with Ben had been all I'd ever wanted when I started this journey. But could I really ask such a thing of the others?

Anna finally broke the silence. "You know... exile wouldn't be all that bad if we have each other."

"It would be nice to be male again," Leon mused.

But Larry snorted. "That's easy for you guys to say, you're all happily paired up. I'd have to come out on my own and spend the rest of my life trying to talk people into threesomes. And we'll never be able to swap genders again, so we'll get all tosky however we choose. No offense, Daniel. I know how much you want your brother back."

"We'd get Ben back if we stayed here," John pointed out. "I can't believe you guys are considering giving up and leaving the dome. Was everything we just told the Q-R's just a lie? Because we sure won't have a purpose out there living in exile."

I finally managed to find my voice. "But what if the Committee won't agree to the plan?" I looked up at John, anxious. "If we stay we still run the risk of ego-death. If we go at least we'll have a rorl together...."

For a long moment John stared back at me, looking suddenly sad. Then he looked away. "Let's take some time to decide, all right? We'll take a vote in the morning. Anonymous. Is that fair?"

Larry frowned, but nodded, then disappeared upstairs.

Knowing that John was disappointed with me weighed heavy on my heart. I reached out to take his hand. "Love... could we please go to bed?"

The smile John gave me was still sad, but he nodded, and took me upstairs.

"Ooma, if you really want exile...." he started softly once we'd entered the sleeping room, but I turned and wrapped my arms up around his neck.

"I just want to be with you," I murmured, feeling his arms wrap around me and sighing. "And I want to know that everyone will be alright. I can't ask any of you to take any more chances for me."

"I'm just worried that we won't be happy," John replied softly, pressing a kiss to his hair. "Ooma... You've spent so long searching for your brother... you don't know what it's like to live without that kind of purpose. It'll be so much worse in exile than it would be in the domes where we only have each other's company and the picture-vision to distract us, we'll get all cooped up and tosky with each other. How long will it be be before someone gets into a terrible dalika with someone else and suicides just to get out of there? We'll be no better off than we are now. That's not the future I want for us. Or your brother."

I'd become accustomed to their constant use of Jang slang and could picture fairly easily what he meant now. "But we'd be together," I whispered, and heard John sigh.

"I know," he murmured, and pressed a kiss to my hair. "And that is what's most important to me, my ooma-kasma. If you really want to take their offer... we'll do it. I'm sure I can convince the others."

"Don't ask me to decide yet," I murmured, and pulled him into a trembling kiss.

~~~


	5. Chapter 5

John and I had love before sleeping, slow and tender and intense. But there was a quietness to him, a sadness that I'd never seen before, though it didn't make him any less loving and attentive to me. Or perhaps I was only seeing my own worry and turmoil reflected in him.

Finally, blessedly, I slept.

I dreamt of Ben.

I hadn't seen my brother in dreams in a long time. But this wasn't one of my old, terrifying nightmares coming back of losing him in the storm, of watching him drown, pulled from my grasp by the angry, swirling sea. This time we walked along the cliffs overlooking the ocean, as we often had as young men, and the sea was calm and beautiful in the sunshine.

"You're being selfish, you know," he said, and I felt a surge of guilt.

I turned to look at him, taking in his familiar features and expressions, a mirror of my own yet still unique. "I just want to keep you safe. Why is that so selfish?"

"Because you insist on doing so at the expense of others," Ben replied. "Your new friends won't be truly happy in exile, not for long. If you agree to exile you'll be taking away everything you've given them. Especially your lover. You know that, don't you?"

"No one can know that for sure," I insisted, holding the gaze of his blue eyes, begging him to understand. "And at least we'd be alive and safe. If we can't convince the Committee to buy into our plan then I'll never see you again."

"Then you won't see me again," Ben replied, shaking his head. "It's still better than what you're proposing. Do you really think I want to be wrapped up in a cocoon and secreted away for the rest of my life? I've never wanted that. If I had, I would have stayed home with you and never gone to London."

I couldn't ignore the truth of his words. I felt my throat close over, my eyes burning, and I couldn't hold his gaze any longer. "I just... I just miss you so much, _mein herz_. Nothing will ever fill that hole inside me. I just want to see you again so badly...."

Even in the dream Ben's arms felt warm and safe around me, holding me close. It felt too real, too much like what I'd lost and so badly longed for, and I lost control of my tears.

"Shh, _liebling_ ," he murmured, stroking my hair. "Don't cry, please don't cry. I love you so much. I'll always love you, my heart will always be with you. No matter what happens."

"But I don't know what to do," I sobbed.

"Of course you do. Listen. I don't ever want you to be sad. In your heart you know that you won't be happy in the situation you're proposing. And neither will John. No one will." He pulled back, fingers gentle on my cheeks, then tilted my chin up to press a sweet, chaste kiss to my lips. "Stay in the dome, _mein liebling_. Convince them that you can change the world like I know you can. You have so much more to offer than to just quietly die in exile. And I promise I'll help you. I promise we'll be together again."

"Ooma?" I became aware of John's voice, rousing me from the dream. His lips pressed gentle kisses to my cheeks, arms warm around me. "Love... shh, don't cry...."

I curled into him as sleep cleared from my mind, realizing my cheeks were wet, my breathing hitched. "I'm sorry - " I whispered, as I had so many times over the past few days, and John made a soft, dismissive noise, continuing to press soft kisses to my eyelids, nose and lips.

"Don't worry, ooma. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. Whatever you want...."

I let myself take comfort in his kisses, slowly calming. "I want to stay," I whispered, tightening my arms around him. "I don't want to spend the rest of our lives hiding. The sacrifice isn't worth it. And I know my brother wouldn't want it, either. I want to stay here with you. No matter what the outcome."

John let out a shuddering sigh, kissing me harder. "Thank you," he whispered, and kissed me more urgently. "I'm so happy you're with me. Oh ooma, my brave love...."

"Not half as brave as you," I murmured, and he gave a soft laugh against my lips.

"You give me reason to be," he replied, and even in the darkness I could feel his lips stretch into a smile. HIs hand smoothed down the small of my back, rubbing over my bare skin before moving to cup my ass. "You're so very inspiring to me, ooma...."

Despite myself I felt a soft shiver of desire, and I arched closer to him. "Inspiring? Is that what they're calling it now?"

John's laugh was low and positively wicked, accompanied by the kind of slow, yearning kiss that he'd quickly learned would always make my knees weak. His fingers clenched and rubbed over my ass, voice low and throaty. "Oh yes. So very, incredibly inspiring. Can hardly think of anything else but you...."

I urged him onto his back and moved to straddle his hips, dipping down to claim his mouth as I rocked against him slowly. "Then perhaps I should inspire you again....."

~~~

 

In the morning, as we faced the others, I felt worried, though no less certain about my decision. That Larry would stand with us was without question. But would the others have reason to stay?

"I still stand where I did yesterday," John said as we finished breakfast. "I'm not willing to run away and abandon the domes when there's a chance that we can really do something with our lives. Even if you all decide to go into exile, I'll still do my best to convince the Q-Rs to let me go before the Committee on my own. This is my purpose."

"I'll be with him," I replied quietly, looking up at each of them as I spoke. "I understand the appeal of exile, believe me. I can't begin to imagine a life as long as you have in the domes, so the guarantee of what would have been a normal life span in my time spent with my brother sounds like everything I've ever wanted. But I realized that going into exile would be a purely selfish decision... and I've been selfish long enough, oomas. We wouldn't be happy there. And I know Ben wouldn't want that for me, or for him. So I'm going to stay with John as well. I know you will all make the choice that you feel is best for you, but I hope that it's to stay and fight with us. We're so much stronger as a group than any of us are alone."

Frank gave a small nod, though I couldn't tell if it was in agreement or just acknowledgement of my words. "Let's vote."

Larry nodded, punching something into the manual input tablet from someone's bii and then passing the tablet to John. I entered my vote, then watched the tablet go around the circle nervously. When it returned to Larry he put it back into the bii, and moments later a projection flashed up on the picture-vision wall.

_Unanimous. Stay._

John gave a soft, delighted laugh, and was out of his seat in a flash, squishing both Frank and Leon together into a hug, pressing a kiss to Anna's hair, gibbering as he hugged everyone. "Oh, oomas, you're insummat! I'm so happy. We'll convince them, I promise we will. Everything will turn out just fine."

With our decision made - with my decision made - everything seemed to progress more smoothly than I ever could have hoped for. The Q-R segment of the Committee was surprisingly acquiescent to our decision. Perhaps our arguments had successfully swayed the logic of their reasoning after all. We were taken down the tower lift and hustled into a bird plane past raucous crowds - some as brightly colored as my Jang friends, others quite normal - and I thought that we must appear a sight ourselves, with our mixed appearances. Appropriate for our task, really.

The walls of the Committee hall were lined with Q-Rs and what must be the human faction of it, and though most of them looked quite young I had to remind myself that these were likely the most experienced and accomplished in the dome. How many years had they lived? It was a little overwhelming, and I was happy to let John take the lead in explaining our plan, only adding to his arguments when needed. He was so passionate, my beautiful lover. So charismatic. Even objectively I could recognize that.

John spoke with a beautiful confidence, standing tall and proud as he addressed the council, as if he was as experienced as they were. The more he spoke, the more positive responses I could see in the hall - nodding, smiling. Even Frank's suggestion to allow more fluidity in the age classification system seemed to go over well. It wasn't until we were finally ushered out of the hall and into a small room to wait that John finally relaxed, and I could feel his hand tremble as he slipped it into mine.

"You did wonderfully," I said softly, squeezing his hand, leaning up to press a kiss to his cheek. 

"I hope so," he murmured, stepping into me and pressing close. "Everything depends on this...."

"I have faith in you," I told him, pulling back to smile up at him. "Though I suppose once this is approved we won't have as much idle time to spend together."

"And I'll have to share you with your brother." He smiled, stroking my cheek. "It will only make our time together all the more sweet."

"And you two are already a pair of disgustingly sickening thalldraps as it is." Larry smirked at us, giving an exaggerated eye-roll. "Maybe I should have chosen exile."

"It's admirable that you didn't."

We turned to see one of the Committee members standing in the doorway; a tall, regal looking woman with an artful silver streak in her dark hair and the beginnings of laugh lines at the corners of her eyes, though I reminded myself that it was no indicator of her true age. She smiled. "Jang, I'm Committee member Serah. Your dedication to this idea is admirable; I believe the risk you took in coming here over the option the Q-R's had offered you shows a remarkable strength of character. It's part of what won many of us over. In the end, though, you're right. Energy production is down and the run rate on new bodies increases more with each vrek. It's disappointing that it's taken us this long to recognize and address the problem. But perhaps we needed the kind of fresh perspective that can only come from disaffected youth."

She paused to look over me for a moment, examining me curiously. "What strange clothes you've chosen. Are you really a Glar from another dome? We couldn't find any records on you."

"I'm no older than the others," I replied truthfully. "But I've spent my entire life seeking knowledge. I haven't misrepresented myself to you in that regard." Not being able to wait another moment without truly knowing, I carefully added, "Does this mean our proposal is acceptable?"

"Despite your rather foolish ploy for attention by stealing a limbo plane and staging a mass suicide? Yes, we accept your proposal, at least for a trial period. Four BII will have to be isolated for a few rorls, of course, but we already cut off all communication as soon as those flashes of yours started going out. Standard protocol to quarantine any dome under a possible significant threat. Now that it's apparent that we're not in any real danger we'll need the rest of the vrek to sort out who's staying and who's going. Then we'll contact you to begin plans. We'll be using flashes of today's conversation to quell the unrest in the populace."

The relief that rushed me was overwhelming. John spoke first. "Thank you. So very much. Anything you need us to do, we're completely willing, we - thank you, I promise we'll do our best - "

She gave a nod of acknowledgement, then turned. "We'll see you all soon enough."

My Q-R had been standing in the doorway as she spoke, and closed it behind her as she left, giving us a nod. "Come."

"Mass suicide?" I asked him. "Will that go over?"

"Both Limbo and cold storage are quite full right now," he answered as he headed towards the door to the outside, trusting us to follow. "Considering the number of people who continue to crash land on your tower as an act of useless defiance. But it will make it easier for us to hide those who you've brought back. You will come with me now to help us process them out of Limbo, yes?"

Joy sung through every inch of me, and I had to press my fingers to my mouth to hold it back. I managed to nod, and felt John's hand press to the small of my back, warm and reassuring.

~~~

 

"We've managed to separate them out and establish contact and identities," the Limbo Q-R told me as she lead me back though the rows of tanks. "But it's proved impossible to explain their situation to them, they're all quite confused. We've been putting them through dream cycles to help prevent undue stress from sensory deprivation. You will be able to help with this, yes?"

"Of course." It was strange to see the limbo tanks from the outside, though truly all I cared about was finding Ben as soon as possible. My stomach churned and knotted itself, and I found myself glad that I'd taken John's suggestion of just having a meal injection at breakfast. "Could I have a few units with my brother first? Once he's adjusted he'll be able to help me reach the others. I know your resources are strapped but he's a member of their circle so I'll be most successful with his help - "

"Of course," the Q-R replied, stopping at a tank and handing me an input tablet. "We've just turned off the dream cycle. If you speak he can hear you. You can't communicate directly without being in life-spark form, of course, and you aren't programmed to be able to understand the emotional response wires, but the tablet will translate that to written language for you. All we need him to do is choose and accept a new body. We'll do the rest."

I nodded, clutching the input tablet with trembling hands, and took a deep breath. I wanted to let a thousand words spill from my lips, to laugh and cry and yell everything I'd kept bottled up inside for all the years without him, and it took every ounce of self discipline to keep my voice steady and calm.

"Ben? _Mein herz,_ , can you hear me?"

For a moment there was nothing. Then words scrolled across the tablet.

_DANIEL. Where what is this the ship fire storm so cold so deep can't stay afloat strange airship in the sky the blackness so cold hurts so bad can't breathe but then so quiet don't understand the voice said that I'm dead but you were coming for me oh god are you dead why can't I touch you -_

"I'm fine," I said quickly, pressing a hand to the side of the tank. "I'm here, I'm fine. I'm alive now. I died and I've been waiting for you, love. Let me guide you back to me. Back to life. Will you trust me?"

_Heaven? Life after death not as expected but always trust Daniel must return to Daniel like I promised -_

I felt my throat close over at the memories. "I'm here, I'm here," I managed to say around the lump, and swallowed hard. "Just listen to me, just focus on me and we'll see each other soon. I need you to focus on the feel of your body, on what it feels like to move, to wiggle your fingers and toes. Try and flex your muscles."

_Can't feel anything Daniel i can't -_

Regardless, I began to see a schematic forming on the side of the screen, and I felt my heart leap. "Yes you can, you're doing just fine. Picture your face in the looking glass, my love. Our features that we share, the blue of our eyes and the fall of your hair." I closed my eyes, not paying attention to the tablet now, leaning against the tank. "Think of what it felt like to walk with me in the sunshine by the sea. Think of how it felt to hold me."

The Q-R's hand on my shoulder made me start. "We have the data we need, we'll be able to transfer him momentarily. We'll allow you to wait in the recovery room."

I nodded, not stepping away from the tank. "Let these people bring you back to me, alright? Just choose to come back to your body when they offer it. I'll be waiting, _mein herz_."

_I promise, my little love._

I paced back and forth in the small room in front of the couch, near trembling with excitement and the agony of waiting. Then, in the space between heartbeats, he was returned to me, leaning on the Q-R who'd helped me, who guided him to sit down on the couch.

I gave a soft sob, dropping down beside him and wrapping my arms around his neck. He was naked and dazed, but brought his arms up around me, voice soft and husky. "Daniel....."

I couldn't hold back the tears as I buried my face in his neck, pressing a kiss to his skin, stroking my hands over his back. He felt warm and solid and real in my arms, as strong as my brother had always been. Even the smell was right. I felt his arms wrap back around me, stroking my hair, my back. "Shh, _liebling_... I'm here. It's alright. I'm right here.... wherever this is...."

I ran my fingers through his hair, moving to press a kiss to his cheek. Even the slight stubble roughness was familiar, all of it completely overwhelming. "I missed you. So much," I managed to whisper, and I heard him make a soft, soothing noise.

"I'm here, _liebling_. I'm sorry I didn't listen to you at home. Or in London."

I shook my head slightly. "It's alright. This is where we were meant to be. It's okay now."

The stroke of Ben's fingers on my back stopped for a moment, then he spoke again. "Is this really... the afterlife? Heaven?"

"A new life," I replied, finally pulling back, eyes searching his face and drinking in the familiarity. Whether it was his memories or the computer's translation skills they'd done an amazing job; my brother, perfected as I remembered him in our happiest memories. He'd always been far more built and physical than I had been in our youth and he still was now, but our features were still the same. He was perfectly my Ben.

He lifted a hand to touch my cheek gently. "How did you get here before me? You were still in London...."

"It's a long story." I smiled, running my fingers along his jaw and up over his cheek to mirror his touch, then turning my face to kiss his palm. "I'll explain everything. But we'll go home first, we'll find you some clothes. There's some people I really need you to meet."

He hadn't known to order any clothes with his body, but it was easy enough to have something replicated in Limbo, a simple pair of slacks and a loose silk button down, both in shades of ebony. Striking enough to be acceptable in Bii without being too foreign for him. 

Then, hand in hand, I lead my brother out of Limbo to where John and Larry were waiting.

They both stood up slowly as we approached, John's eyes going wide, lips parting as looked from Ben to me and back. "The same but different," he murmured, and I smiled.

"This is my brother, Ben. Ben, this is my good friend Larry, and this is John, my... husband."

I watched John smile widely at the word, offering his hand. "I've been _dying_ to meet you," he said, and Larry choked on a laugh.

"You are an absolute floop," he said, covering his eyes with one hand.

Ben's eyebrows knit slightly as he regarded them. Then he turned back to me. "Husband, _liebling_?"

I felt my cheeks heat, and I nodded, looking up at him anxiously. But Ben just looked impressed, nodding slowly as he looked John over again. "Handsome gent. Good work."

I felt a rush of pleasure, and John beamed. "They were both very instrumental in helping me bring you back," I told him. "I couldn't have done it without them. And Larry was driving the Lim - the airship that you saw."

"Were you?" Ben looked more impressed, and offered his hand. "Thank you very much, then."

Larry smiled, dropping his head as he took Ben's hand, more bashful than I'd ever seen him before. "It was no trouble. I'm glad we could get you back."

"Back to... wherever this is...."

"We'll explain everything," I said again, taking Ben's other hand in mine and giving it a squeeze. "But let's start for home first. We can tell you on the way."

Ben nodded, following me with complete trust as we left the courtyard. John fell into step beside me, and I felt his hand come to rest on the small of my back, and couldn't help but think that I'd never been happier in my life.

My mission had finally succeeded. But instead of a sense of finality, I felt like a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders. Finally I could move forward. Finally I could live again.

~~ Finish ~~


End file.
